regulars make up the majority of my bar patrons. i know almost all of them on a first name basis. if not, references such as “creepy guy,” “Bronson boy,” “skinny cokehead,” and “crazy homeless guy” work just as well. they usually arrive faithfully at 3, the beginning of happy hour, and leave not a minute before it ends. it’s the same routine for all of them. they come in, i serve them, we make small talk, they get drunk and everyone is happy.  but not all regulars are the same .. here are some distinctions I’ve noticed (usually blatantly obvious from the second they walk in)

• Trailer Park Trash: These characters live behind Beef’s in an array of run-down trailer homes. Cheapest of the cheap. Hardcore boozers. Due to their close proximity to the bar, they seem to expect some sort of Preferred Customer treatment. They are rude, obnoxious and hardly know how to behave in public. They make up the majority of the happy hour crowd, and everybody knows each other either through neighbors, “associates,” their kids, or some twisted love triangle involving a prostitute and a pitch fork. This crowd is notorious for measly tips, if they tip at all. Thanks, but keep your 35 cents. We all know you need it more than I do. Example: Dale
• Trailer Park Not-so-Trash: Same as above, only nice. And they tip a little bit better. Example: Tom
• Pathetic Losers/Weirdos: These guys usually wander in to the bar solo. They have no wingman and no dignity. They are either loud and adamant about hitting on me or they just sit there, quiet and creepy. No matter how many times they are shot down by myself or one of the other bartenders, they return, just as hopeful. They usually ask 20 questions in an attempt to “get to know me” and then ask me the same 20 questions a week later. If they are too shy to ask me out, a drunken mess of chickenscratch scribbled onto a paper towel works just as well, and just as pathetic.  Example: Racecar Driver Chris
• Normal People: Self-explanatory. These people come to the bar to drink, eat, maybe watch some TV. I give them what they want, and they hardly bother me for anything more. They understand what I go through. We understand each other. Example: Kevin the Cop

Most of the regulars fall into one of these categories, but there are some exceptions. Like John Rafferty. Words cannot describe how fucking weird this guy is. Someday I’ll figure out what the hell is wrong with him.